


Struggle to find Peace

by innusiq



Category: due South
Genre: Alternate Universe, Drama, Episode Related, M/M, Romance, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2001-06-19
Updated: 2001-06-19
Packaged: 2018-11-10 22:46:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,780
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11136198
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/innusiq/pseuds/innusiq
Summary: Fraser and Ray finding their way after Ray's return from the undercover assignment. AU story that doesn't follow through the end of season 3.





	Struggle to find Peace

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Speranza, the archivist: this story was once archived at [Due South Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Due_South_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Due South Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/duesoutharchive).

Struggle to find Peace

## Struggle to find Peace

by Innusiq

Author's Website: http://www.tuktoyaktuk.net/innusiq/

Disclaimer: They're not mine . . . blah, blah, blah. Whatever. But I sure wish they were. <happy sigh>

Author's Notes: Comments welcomed. TYK!

Story Notes: Sequel to the story "Comfort on the Way."

* * *

Struggle to find Peace   
by: Jenny Hill 

The sun was making it's first peak into the morning sky, signaling for the birds of the city to begin their chirping that announced the beginning of a new day. Standing at the window of his bedroom with the curtains parted, Ray took in the beauty that was the morning. There was only one other sight that could match it and he was still sleeping in the bed behind him. 

It was early, far earlier than Ray was normally accustomed to waking up but there had been many changes in his life within the last year causing him to question what was "normal" anymore. 

He loved the mornings as of late but it was a love that hadn't always been. In the past, Ray didn't greet mornings so happily and to be more specific, a good morning didn't truly begin until he had his first cup of coffee and on some days, not until the first hour or two of being at work had passed. Things were definitely different now. His life had taken an abrupt turn that changed his view of the early morning hours. 

He now cherished this time in the morning, even if this new perception had only been but a week old. They were the small bits of day where every care in the world didn't exist. The Feds didn't exist, his obligations to his family didn't exist nor did the current state of his lover's health exist. In the morning, before the world began spinning alive it was just Ray and Benny and no one or nothing else could touch them. 

Ray frowned at that thought. As much as he would love to believe that sentiment Ray knew in a matter of minutes reality would set in for it was only a lie but it was an acceptable lie no matter how short lived the false reality existed. What was the true reality? 

Reality number one, he had a lot of explaining to do to the Feds for backing out of an undercover assignment that took them months if not years to plan. He couldn't help it that every member of that branch of government lacked a heart. Whether they understood why he left or not, he didn't care anymore because he was home now, the only place he should be. The only place where he belonged. 

Reality number two, now that he was back home, even though his family had survived with out him all these months, it was his duty to take over the reins of the household. It wasn't only something he felt responsible to do but his family expected him to do it too. He was the head of the household and that was that. In him taking back the responsibilities of running the house, he was putting his house back in order. 

Reality number three, now that he had returned home, he would need to think about work. Should he return to work at the 27th and if so, when to return. If he didn't return, what then? They were thoughts he wasn't ready to contemplate just yet but knew he had to. Life didn't stop for anyone, no matter how they needed it to. The next reality made that thought all too clear. 

Reality number four and the reason he had returned from his undercover assignment so abruptly. Fraser, Benny, his lover, his life, his reason for living and next to his family, the only person he would risk his life for. Fraser needed him and that was all Ray needed to know to make him return from the assignment. Fraser was fighting a battle that never should be fought alone but his stubborn lover had this idea that it was in everyone's best interest not to bother anyone because he could manage this fight on his own, alone. Thank God Fraser had a friend in Stan Kowalski who was looking out for him and knew better than the Mountie's thinking. 

Ray turned his back on the sunrise. He turned his back on the approaching day to take in the only beauty that could compare to that of the sun. Fraser, who was still fast asleep, snuggled under the covers of Ray's bed. His head was barely visible and Ray couldn't help but think this was such a contradiction to the Fraser he had left behind a year ago. Mr. Upbeforethecrackofdawn was now a late sleeper it seemed but it wasn't of his own choosing. 

The list of realities was endless and in the end they all summed up to one thing, the life he had left behind, the life he struggled night and day to return to, didn't exist anymore. Yes, he was still Ray Vecchio and yes his family still depended upon him. Ray still loved Benny and Benny still loved Ray but things were different. He was the same but he was different. Or maybe it was that he was still teetering between the fake world of Armondo Langostini (a "fake" world that was all too real) and the reality of being home. He was in a limbo stage of existence that only time could heal. The only question was how much time would be needed before the unseen wound would be healed? 

Ray shook his head as he crossed the room back towards his bed. It was too early to think about the world outside these four walls. Right now it was morning and the only two people who existed were Fraser and himself. 

A noise from the corner of the room drew Ray's attention away from the bundle in his bed and he had to amend his statement. The only people who existed at this time of day were Fraser, himself and a spoiled wolf. Everyone and everything else was locked away on the other side of his bedroom door where he wished they could all stay. Was it possible to lead a normal existence without leaving his bedroom? Ray smiled to himself knowing it would be an absurd request. He could even hear Fraser saying, "Well, that's just silly, Ray." It was a silly idea indeed but oh so lovely. 

Ray's smile diminished when he brought his attention back to Fraser, for as much as Ray had changed during their separation from one another, Fraser had changed too. It was the changes in Fraser that scared Ray the most. Where Ray's changes were more on a mental plane, Fraser's were on the physical level. While it was Ray who was knocking on death's door out in Las Vegas, he had returned home, safe and sound, alive and it was now Fraser who was knocking on that all too familiar door and Ray's hands were tied, incapable of helping him. All Ray could do was be there for Fraser and that perhaps was the best he had to offer. 

Lifting up the covers on his side of the bed, Ray climbed back in, for it truly was quite early in the morning and as if by instinct, Fraser's body met his. Fraser never woke from his deep sleep but his body seemed to know where it needed to be and Ray accepted him, pulling Fraser closer as he wrapped the familiar yet unfamiliar body in his arms. 

It had been this way since before he left for the undercover assignment and upon returning, their bodies seemed to fall back into their old routines. It was a habit shared by them both that never seemed to stop even in the absence of the other. Ray could remember many nights out in the desert city, waking with the feeling of never finding what he had been searching for. It wasn't until his return home that he finally found what his body had been searching for, aching for. That first night back was the first night he actually received a good nights sleep in months. 

Once Fraser was settled with his head resting on Ray's chest and one arm around Ray's waist, only then did Ray let his own body relax. Fraser's breathing, which had increased with his fussing, began slowing and leveling out just as Ray's own heart rate eased back into a normal pace. It was as if Ray's heartbeat was lulling Fraser back into a more peaceful and restful sleep. They shared a bond that even existed in the dream world. 

Ray's left arm remained loosely, yet protectively, around Fraser, holding him, offering him comfort while his right hand gently cupped the back of his neck. Ray's thumb could just barely feel the peach fuzz of hair that was trying to grow back to no avail. He placed a kiss on the top of Fraser's nearly bare head before totally relaxing and closing his eyes in order to get a few more hours of sleep before either man "had" to get up. The slow, steady breathing of his lover had Ray back asleep within minutes. 

* * *

He didn't know exactly what time it was but he knew it was late. He didn't need a clock to tell him that it was past his "normal" wake up call or what use to be his normal wake up call. He didn't need a clock because Fraser's internal clock told him so. His days hadn't always started out this way. They hadn't always normally started out this late. "Normally" as in comparing how he had started his days for the whole of his life to these more recent days, how his days now began, "normally." 

Fraser's days began late now, later than the sunrise and usually after the breakfast hour but what was normal anymore? And if this was going to be "normal" from now on, Fraser would rather pack it all in before that even happened. He missed the early morning hours. 

Fraser missed the days when he rose at the crack of dawn, hours before anyone else, especially Ray, even twitched at the approaching day. So much could be accomplished in those early hours. He could have cleaned his apartment (if he had one anymore), made breakfast for himself and Diefenbaker (and Ray when he had spent the night) and he still would have had time to take the unruly wolf for a walk. A day's worth of work could be accomplished in those fleeting early morning hours but now, not even in a twenty-four hour period could Fraser complete a days worth of work. The only question in his mind, was it that he couldn't or that he didn't want to do anything? 

Rolling over onto his back, Fraser stared at the all too familiar ceiling for a few minutes before stretching his arms out on either side of him and continuing to roll onto his other side, onto Ray's side of the bed. He was alone. He was alone and he enjoyed the comfort of being alone if just for a few moments. This was now the time of day he enjoyed the most. 

When Fraser was alone he didn't have to put on a brave face for all to see. He didn't have to hide behind the mask he created to reassure everyone the he was all right. When he was alone he didn't have to assure anyone that everything was going to be okay. They were lies even he couldn't believe but a smile and a nod always did the trick because that is what everyone wanted to hear. 

In his solitude, Fraser could look as miserable as he felt and there was no one to see or worry about him. In the privacy of this bedroom he was a burden to nobody but himself. 

Fraser used this time in the morning, his "alone" time, to get all the self-pity and fear he was feeling out of him or at least lock those feelings deep down inside where they couldn't affect him. Once that was done, he was ready to face the world and all the faces that would look upon him with their own pity. With his brave face on, he could tackle anything because along with his mask came a wall that kept everyone out. It was a wall that kept him safe. The only problem now was that the wall was crumbling. 

The biggest change in his life had occurred and Fraser was unprepared to face it. The biggest change wasn't that he had been diagnosed with cancer, that was a change he had gradually accepted and adjusted to or at least he adjusted as well as a person in denial could adjust. What he wasn't prepared for was the abrupt return of Ray Vecchio. All the masks and barriers in the world that Fraser could construct didn't stand a chance against Ray. There wasn't mortar strong enough to keep that man out of his heart; away of his soul for Ray was a part of both. 

It wasn't that Fraser didn't want Ray to return, that was the one thing he had yearned for from day one of returning from his holiday in Canada to find that his lover had left town on an undercover assignment. Fraser understood why he had gone for he knew Ray almost as well as he knew himself. He knew Ray too well and that is why he was hoping to have been served with a clean bill of health before he did return. Ray would feel guilty for being away or even, in some strange and warped "Vecchio" belief, he would think it was his fault. It was no one's fault, just fate. Fraser had already started feeling the guilt radiating off of Ray when they were together and the funny thing about guilt, it was contagious, like a cold. It would have just been easier with Ray gone. 

Fraser loved Ray, there was no question about that. He adored Ray. Ray was his best friend and his lover. Ray had offered Fraser the world and without a second thought, Fraser accepted it. He grabbed hold of Ray's world and refused to let go. Ray was his life and Fraser couldn't imagine a life without Ray in it but he had survived with Ray gone. It wasn't that Fraser didn't need Ray. God only knew how much Fraser needed him but he had changed since Ray left town. 

The changes in Fraser weren't good. Fraser had reverted back to his old way of living, the one that had gotten him through the days of lonely existence back in the Territories. The mask and wall he had constructed weren't new, only a little dusty from their lack of use. Fraser had packed those two pieces of armor away only months (if it had even been that long) after meeting the brash detective for with Ray, Fraser's heart was safe but in Ray's absence it was easier to hide. Now, Fraser had no more hiding places but the quiet of Ray's bedroom and even there it was only when Ray wasn't around and Ray was always around because he felt guilty. 

Fraser inhaled deeply and released a sigh at the familiarity of the scent. Was it possible to forget what a person smelled like? The time and distance had been making it seem so. There were many nights, too many to count, where all Fraser did was try to remember what Ray smelled like to no avail. It seemed the harder he tried the farther the scent receded from his memory. Even the cologne bottles left behind couldn't trigger the distinct smell that was Ray. 

It wasn't until that first embrace in a year that his memory was triggered. It hit him like a ton of bricks and he was falling, scrambling for any kind of hold on solid ground but there was only Ray, so he clung to him even tighter and just breathed. Fraser breathed deeply, remembering what he should never have let himself forget but he truly didn't forget because he knew this was the scent he had been searching for, craving for. This was Ray. 

Fraser pulled the covers around him and latched onto "Ray's" pillow, concentrating on the redolence. He used to be able to categorize the individual scents but now, all he knew was that it was Ray and that was all he needed to know. 

What his existence boiled down to now was that he needed Ray and for as much as he needed him, Fraser didn't want to admit to such a need. He had spent most of the months, days, weeks, hours and minutes of their separation denying himself of that need that when there was no use denying it anymore, now that Ray was home, Fraser didn't know how to admit to his only weakness. 

* * *

The house, for the most part, was quiet for a change. Four of Maria's five children had left for school two hours ago leaving her youngest, Mikey, to entertain himself or actually be entertained by a ham of a half wolf. Ray watched from the kitchen window as Diefenbaker playfully chased the youngest Vecchio around the small back yard, Mikey giggling the entire time. Watching over the two playmates was Ray's eldest sister Maria, as she hung clothes out to dry. He had missed moments like these. He had missed the simplicity of his family. 

A week after his return, Ray was still having trouble adjusting to life as Ray Vecchio, son, brother, uncle and lover. The reasons he had left for the assignment seemed so clear months ago but now, he couldn't even think of one, not one good reason or excuse. All Ray knew now was that he was glad to be home, relieved to be back among the family he loved and who loved him. He was back where he belonged and yet he still didn't feel like he fit in. 

A sound from behind made Ray turn abruptly. His time spent as Armando Langostini made him jumpy but when Ray saw it was only his mother, he relaxed instantly. 

"Caro, I didn't know you were up," Mrs. Vecchio said as she closed the door leading to the basement. In her arms was a load of her family's laundry. 

"Here Ma, let me help you with that," Ray offered as he took the basket from his mother. 

"Oh Raymondo, I am fine," Mrs. Vecchio said refusing to relinquish the basket but Ray gave her no choice. He took the basket of towels and carried them upstairs. Once he was done placing the towels in the family's linen closet, Ray returned with not an empty basket but another full one. With a family their size, there was always dirty laundry to be done. 

"You didn't have to do that," Mrs. Vecchio stated when Ray returned and continued to take the full basket to the basement. 

Just as quickly as he had disappeared to the lower level of the home, Ray reappeared. "Hey, there is no reason you should be doing all the work around here. Where is everyone anyway?" 

Mrs. Vecchio smiled at her son whom she still couldn't believe was actually home, safe and sound. She had spent many long nights sending prayers up to heaven above that he would be returned unharmed and in the last week of him being home, just as many thanking the Lord for listening to those prayers. 

"Maria is out back hanging clothes out to dry, Francesca is at work, Stanley picked her up this morning and Tony left the house early for work as well," Mrs. Vecchio replied, answering her son's question. "Would you like something to eat?" 

"Ah . . . no Ma, coffee is all I really want right now." 

"Coffee is no way to start the day, Raymondo," Mrs. Vecchio chided as she began removing items from the refrigerator. 

"Ma, really, I'm fine. There is no need for you to be fussing over me," Ray said trying to get his mother to stop her preparations. 

"This is not for you, Caro. This is for Benton." That said, she shut the refrigerator door and moved towards the stove. 

Ray stood in awe watching his mother. Things had changed in his absence. Before, breakfast was served first thing in the morning and if you missed it, you missed it. Not that she wouldn't feed you if you rose late on your day off but you didn't receive the full Vecchio style breakfast that was an everyday occurrence. It was a routine for her that kept the house running and in order. It was a routine that began her day and made her happy knowing she was taking care of her family the best way she knew how. 

This morning Ray finally noticed the change. Every morning since his return he had to be at the precinct to meet with the Feds and discuss the assignment and clear up any and all loose ends. He didn't have time to notice the changes that had been made in his own house but this morning Ray had the time. 

His mother was making breakfast for the second time that morning. This was now part of her routine. Fraser was part of her routine. It was probably one of the few menial things his mother could do to offer her ailing "son" any kind of comfort and the only thing she knew to do. Ray's heart ached for his mother, for the fear she refused to let surface. No parent should ever out live a child and even though Fraser wasn't her child by birth, she had adopted him as such and blood related or not, she feared for his life. 

"Ma, I hate to break it to you but Benny is still sleeping," Ray said as he poured himself a cup of coffee and moved to take a seat at the kitchen table. 

Mrs. Vecchio wiped her hands on the apron tied around her waist as she turned to survey the clock on the stove. It was 10:49am. "Oh no, Caro, Benton is up," she quickly stated before turning back to her chore at hand. 

Ray just stared has his mother. 

"Now when I'm done here, I want you to take this up to Benton and you make sure he eats. He needs to keep his strength up. We don't want him back in the hospital now, do we?" 

Ray was shaking his head but not verbally responding to his mother. 

"Caro . . ." Mrs. Vecchio began, turning around checking to make sure Ray was listening to her. 

"Ma, how do you know?" 

"Know what dear?" 

"How do you know he's up?" Ray was surprise that his mother would know something about Fraser that he had no clue about. For the whole of their relationship as friends and then lovers, Ray was the only person who knew and understood the inter workings of Benton Fraser. If anything, not knowing his own lover made Ray feel inadequate. It was like they were strangers all over again, learning how to interact with each other. 

Mrs. Vecchio gave Ray a reassuring look and began keying her son in on Fraser's own routine. "Caro, he's usually up early . . . not as early as he use to get up but he usually is up by eight or so. He doesn't come downstairs until after breakfast and not the family's breakfast but the one that you are going to bring to him once it is finished." 

Ray looked up at his mother and he felt lost. She could read that in his eyes and she wished that she could make things all better with a kiss on the cheek and a hug but that wouldn't work this time. 

"I know you've missed a lot while you were gone and even being home you've been preoccupied by work but it will get better. You will learn his ways again and even after you learn them you will find he is slowing making his way back to the way he use to be, the way you remember. It's just going to take some time. We've had weeks to get use to the changes but you've only had a couple days. Be patient, Caro. It will all work out." 

Ray stood up and pulled his mother into a hug. He wanted to cry, to let all the frustration he was feeling out but just as much as he wanted to cry he wanted to remain strong for his mother. 

"Thanks, Ma," Ray choked out just barely keeping control of his emotions. 

Mrs. Vecchio returned her son's embrace and gave him a kiss on the cheek. "Now you sit down and finish your coffee while I finish Benton's breakfast." 

Ray nodded his head, taking his seat again and watched his mother in all her nurturing glory. They didn't deserve this woman but he was sure glad they had her. 

* * *

The food smelled wonderful but his mother's cooking always did. Even if it was only eggs, toast and a bowl a fruit, there was just something about a mother's touch that made anything smell and taste better. 

Ray carefully maneuvered his way up the stairs, heading towards his bedroom with the breakfast tray his mother lovingly prepared for Fraser. Seeing her prepare the meal for Fraser solidified the realization that she truly accepted the relationship they shared. It was a relationship that had only begun shortly before he left on the undercover assignment leaving him little to no time to assess his mother's reaction or true feelings about the revelation of such magnitude. 

He loved Fraser. Those were a few of the last words he said to his mother on that final day in Chicago. It was a confession he had to make to her before leaving because he was leaving Fraser in her hands to watch and take care of. Her reaction was not one of over joy but it wasn't one of disgust either. Ray was fairly certain she had already known of his intentions towards his best friend for as she was known to say, "Mother's always know." 

But today as he watched her prepare Fraser's breakfast it finally dawned on him that she had taken care of Fraser not just because it was something he had asked her to do but because she wanted and needed to. It was inbred in her to take care of her children and that was what Fraser was, one of her children. Ray knew then that she accepted their relationship, their lifestyle but was there still a relationship for her to accept? 

Ever since his return there seemed to be a barrier that stood between them. It wasn't a physical barrier because at night, when they lay in the dark confines of Ray's bedroom, alone, comforted only by each other's presence, everything seem right in the world but in the light of day, the barrier reappeared and communication was nonexistent. The one thing they could do better than anyone else was communicate and now it seemed a foreign language to them. 

Approaching his bedroom door, Ray balanced the breakfast tray in his left hand as he raised his right to knock on the door. The moment his knuckle rapped on the wood surface, the simple motion, intention shocked Ray. He was shocked by how wrong it seemed. 

He was knocking on his own bedroom door, requesting permission to enter as if he didn't have the right to invade Fraser's privacy, as if they were simply strangers when they knew each other in the most intimate of ways. There was no "privacy" between them that the other wasn't welcomed into but that was before Fraser got sick. That was before Ray left for the assignment. It was all in the past now leaving both men struggling to find their present, their future. 

Before leaving for the assignment, a decision Ray was certain he would regret and curse himself for making until the day he died, Ray didn't need to knock or request permission to enter. He simply belonged with Fraser and that stemmed back to even before they became lovers. What was different now that changed the way they acted with one another? But that was a stupid question all in itself. Ray knew exactly what had happened and what had changed, causing the wedge between Fraser and himself. 

He made the decision to leave on an assignment without telling or at least consulting Fraser of said decision. It was a decision he knew Fraser would understand but that didn't mean the decision wouldn't hurt Fraser and it also didn't mean the decision, even though made by Ray himself, would hurt him in the long run as well. Their bond had been stretched to its limit and possibly beyond, leaving them wondering if it had remained intact. Ray didn't want to think of the other alternative. 

Leaving Chicago so abruptly, leaving without having the chance to say goodbye to his friend turned lover was the worst thing Ray could do to Fraser. He was deserting Fraser just like everyone else in his life had and even though it was only going to be for a short while, Fraser wasn't aware of that. All Fraser knew was that Ray had left and there was no guarantee he would return. Ray knew life's history warned Fraser from believing in the positive when the outcome would mean his happiness. It was the same belief Ray held as being true even now. 

Had Ray known then what he knew now, he never would have chosen to take on the assignment offered to him. Had he known Fraser would be diagnosed with cancer in turn fighting a battle for his life, Ray never would have chosen to desert him when Fraser needed him most. The battle wasn't over and even though Fraser still needed him, there was something keeping Fraser from voicing that need. It was that invisible barrier that Fraser had the habit of using to protect himself from being hurt. It was a tactic that Ray hadn't seen Fraser use since before they became lovers and it worried him to know Fraser was reverting back to the way he use to be. He had fallen back into the lonely existence that Ray had saved him from and now that Ray had returned, Fraser didn't know how to react. 

Ray hadn't received an answer to his first knock so he tried again. 

* * *

Fraser wasn't ignoring his visitor on purpose but he knew whoever it was would leave him alone if he didn't answer. If it was Ray who was knocking, Fraser also knew he would come in no matter what. And if it was Ray knocking, he felt a little sad that Ray even thought he had to knock before coming it. It was his room to begin with and it wasn't as if they were strangers but their time apart seemed to make it so. 

As he had guessed, Fraser heard the door open cautiously and he heard Ray enter quickly, closing the door behind him. Fraser listened to Ray's movements as he placed the breakfast tray Fraser had been anticipating if not dreading on the dresser just inside the door. Ray proceeded to approach him at his position by the window that overlooked the back lawn of the family home. When Ray's arms wrapped around him, he sighed out loud. 

The house was quiet for a change and Fraser enjoyed that silence. Closing his eyes he could imagine being back at his apartment on West Racine, his sanctuary in the big city of Chicago. Ray being with him now, arms wrapped tightly around his waist and Ray's slight body pressed against his back made imagining even easier. It was just like all the mornings they woke together, staring out the kitchen window while they waited for the water to boiled for Ray's morning fix of caffeine. 

Fraser opened his eyes to look out the window they stood at now, reality settling over him quicker than he cared to handle. As he dropped his head, Ray's embrace became even stronger. 

"I miss it too, Benny," Ray whispered against Fraser's neck before placing a kiss on that spot. 

It was comforting to know he didn't have to explain himself to this man and maybe that was one of the reasons they were having problems communicating now. Both thinking they didn't need to say anything because the other already knew what was going to be said. But there was more that needed to be talked about. More than Fraser was ready to discuss. 

"I brought breakfast," Ray announced even though he wasn't ready to move from their spot but he had promised his mother he would make sure Fraser ate and eat he would make him do. 

"I can smell it," Fraser responded neutrally, he didn't want to move either. 

"Come on." Ray began directing Fraser towards the bed to sit and eat the meal his mother had prepared. "Ma put her heart into this and you are gonna eat. We don't want to disappoint Ma now, do we?" 

Fraser let himself be led away from the window. 

"You hungry, cause I think Ma made enough for both you, me and the wolf." 

Fraser gave Ray a smile as he sat down. He truly wasn't hungry or it was more he truly didn't care to eat but he learned quickly about refusing to eat a meal prepared by Mrs. Vecchio. If Ray's guilt wouldn't get him to eat, the thought of possibly hurting her feelings did. 

Ray moved to retrieve the tray from his dresser and placed it over Fraser's lap once he was settled on the bed. Ray took a seat on the side of the bed as Fraser picked up his fork and began pushing the food around. 

"So I was thinking, maybe after you are done eating . . . maybe we could take a trip down to the station. The guys there have been asking about you and I thought it might be nice to get out of here. What do you say?" Ray sounded so unsure of himself. "You wanna get out of here for a couple hours?" 

Fraser didn't respond to Ray's question but instead started eating. 

Ray knew Fraser had heard him, the man would have to be as deaf as his wolf not to have but Ray accepted Fraser's non-verbalized response. "Hey, if you don't want to go that's fine. I just thought since I was going in again to meet with Lieutenant Welsh that you could come too." 

Fraser looked up from his tray to look at Ray. "You are meeting with Leftenant Welsh?" 

Ray shrugged his shoulders. "Yeah, well since I finished up with the Feds yesterday I thought I would go in and talk to Welsh about . . . ya know . . . my job." 

"Really . . . so soon?" 

"Yeah, well I can't hang around here all day. I think I might drive Ma crazy if I did. A home body I am not." 

Fraser smiled then frowned. 

"Hey, what's that face for?" 

Fraser shook his head. "It's nothing Ray." 

It was Ray that frowned this time. The barrier was erecting itself again but the barrier wasn't rising by itself, Fraser was the one who was building it, brick by brick, minute by minute. All Ray could do was watch as Fraser closed himself off more and more. Ray sighed not knowing how else to respond. 

Fraser reacted to the sigh. The sigh spoke of the frustration Ray was feeling and Fraser couldn't help but feel responsible for that frustration. Ray had just returned from an undercover assignment that tried to drain the life out of him and upon returning to his home, he went from one assignment to another. Fraser never meant to be a burden on anyone, least of all Ray. 

Before Fraser could say anything, Ray beat him to the punch. "Benny, we have to talk." 

Fraser placed his fork on the breakfast tray, giving Ray his full attention. "There's nothing to talk about." 

"What? You and I haven't talked since I got back," Ray said, disputing Fraser's statement. 

"We've talked." 

"Benny, 'Hi, how are you doing' does not constitute a talk. That is something . . . a conversation between two strangers. Are we strangers?" 

The only response from Fraser was uncomfortable silence as he looked away. 

"But it feels like we are, doesn't it?" Ray assumed for both of them but he knew Fraser well enough to know he agreed with him. 

"Not all the time," Fraser responded, looking back at Ray. 

"No, I suppose not," Ray agreed. 

What had happened to take away their bond, their trust, their friendship? It seemed as if they were just moving through the motions now in order to make it through each day. There was no denying they loved one another, each heart ached for the other but what they had before was something they both had taken for granted. 

Ray panned around his room and was still surprised at the change that had taken place. His room now looked more like a library. He knew Fraser liked to read but even this was a little excessive. He needed to get Fraser out of the house and not just for another treatment. Ray assumed some fresh air and personal interaction would do Fraser a world of good even if Fraser didn't agree. 

"So, what do ya say?" Ray asked changing the subject. 

"About what, Ray?" 

"About you coming with me to the station. I'm certain Elaine would love to see you, along with Huey and Dewey. Lieutenant Welsh has been asking about you too!" Ray said, trying to entice Fraser into coming out with him. 

In Ray's thinking, he thought if he could get Fraser to come with him, things would all fall back into their normal groove. If he showed Fraser things hadn't changed, he could prove that Fraser didn't need to protect himself with his emotional wall. 

"Not today," Fraser responded as he moved the tray of food away so he could get back up. He hadn't even eaten half of what Ray brought up. 

"Come on Benny, how long's it been since you've been at the station?" 

Fraser didn't answer and in his silence, his body tensed. 

"It's just a visit. We don't have to stay . . ." 

"I don't want to go," Fraser said sternly, cutting Ray's own words off. 

"But . . ." 

"Ray! No!" 

Ray was shocked by Fraser's outburst. It was uncontrolled emotions, something Ray had always encouraged Fraser to let loose now and again but the anger pouring out of him now wasn't what Ray had expected. The anger being directed towards him affected Ray, hurt Ray. 

Fraser relented on his mood. "I'm sorry . . . I just don't want to. Please understand." 

But Fraser's abruptness had already done its damage. 

"It's okay Benny . . . I'll just go in by myself." Ray stood up and took the breakfast tray from his bed, heading towards the door. "If you prefer to stay here, cloister up with your books, I'm sure everyone will understand." 

"Ray . . ." 

But Ray didn't stop moving. He exited the bedroom, leaving Fraser with his books and solitude and barrier to hide behind. 

In frustration, Fraser grabbed the nearest stack of books and threw then across the room at the closed door. All he wanted to do was scream but that wasn't very Mountie like and he wouldn't want to worry anyone with his outburst. He wanted to cry but he had cried so much alone that he had no more tears to shed. There was nothing for him to do to release the feelings that were churning inside of him or at least nothing he was prepared to do. He needed to talk but he feared what he would say. They were thoughts he didn't let himself dwell upon too much less he admit the severity of the situation he was in. He needed a rein to hold onto to keep control of is life. He needed to be in control. 

Fraser moved back towards the window and took up the position he held when Ray had entered the room. He watched the youngest Vecchio member below, chasing after his wolf, the young boy emitting a gleeful laughter. A small smile spread across Fraser's face as he enjoyed the sound. Michael Vecchio didn't have a care in the world. He had a mother and father, brothers and sisters who all loved one another and at that very moment, a wolf all to himself. He wanted for nothing else in the world. The boy had a security that he couldn't even fathom at his age. 

Fraser was envious of that kind of peace. 

* * *

He had been able to impose himself into the life of a crime boss and no one was the wiser. Ray had been able to fool men whom could've had him killed if they wanted to, never to be seen again but Ray had fooled them. They never knew and even to this day and beyond, they probably never would figure out what actually happened to the real Armondo Langostini. Ray couldn't even be sure of what happened to the man who was his double and he was beginning to realize he was glad of that lack of knowledge. The less he knew, the less danger he was in. 

Day by day Ray was quickly learning that all the undercover assignments in the world couldn't have prepared him for what he was coming home to. And just when he thought he had it all figured out, Fraser threw Ray a curve. This morning the wrench was Fraser being up before Ray had even twitched a muscle. When Ray's body finally registered to his brain that he was alone in bed, he shot up to a seated position, breathing irregularly. Panning the room, Ray found Fraser standing by the closet nearly, completely dressed. 

"What are you doing?" Ray asked, his brain still a little groggy and his heart racing. He had woken up too many nights alone while in Las Vegas and now that he was finally able to hold the one person he loved in life, Ray never wanted to know what it was like to wake up alone again. 

"I'm getting dressed, I thought that was obvious," Fraser responded in his typical, "sensible" and annoying Fraser fashion. 

Ray was only slightly annoyed but it was a much-missed annoyance. "Yeah, I can see that but isn't it early?" 

"Ray will be here in a few minutes to take me to the hospital," Fraser responded as he tucked his T-shirt into his jeans then pulled a blue flannel shirt out of the closet, putting that on as well. 

"Benny," Ray began as he expeditiously climbed out of bed. "Why didn't you tell me? He doesn't have to take you. I can take you to your appointment." 

Ray was out of the bed before he finished his words and began rummaging through his dresser for clothes. 

"Ray . . ." 

"It'll only take me a few minutes to get dressed and I can grab a cup of coffee at the hospital . . ." 

"Ray . . ." 

"Why didn't you tell me you had an appointment?" Ray asked as he moved towards the closet, brushing by Fraser to find an appropriate sweater. 

"Ray . . ." Fraser said again, finally getting Ray's attention. 

"What?" Ray asked as he pulled his sweater on over his head. 

"Ray is going to take me to my appointment. He always does," Fraser said that last statement with a shrug of his shoulders as he walked away from Ray and sat on the bed to put his shoes on. 

Ray stood speechless, watching Fraser. He was receiving the brushed off. He'd receive the brush off before in life on many varying occasions but never had Fraser been the one to give him the brush off. 

"But I'm home now. I can take you," Ray argued weakly. He couldn't help the whine that accompanied the words coming out of his mouth. 

Fraser looked up at Ray and even though he could see Ray was hurt by his decision, he remained firm in that decision. "Ray . . . it's just . . . I just . . . " Fraser paused in his reply as if willing himself to remain strong, to keep control of the situation before he lost what little control he did have over his life. "I don't want you there," Fraser continued before dropping his head, concentrating on the shoe he was tying. He couldn't stand to watch the look of hurt showing in Ray's eyes as it transformed into a deeper feeling of guilt. 

"You don't want me there?" Even though Fraser wasn't looking at Ray to see the guilt, he could hear it in his voice. 

Fraser shook his head in response. 

Ray's hands clenched into fists at Fraser's lack of an explanation. "That's it, that's all you're gonna say?" 

Fraser slowly finished tying his left sneaker, letting his foot drop to the floor. What else was there for him to say? 

"Fine," Ray blurted out, anger coating his words. He hated receiving the silent treatment and he hated it even more when it was Fraser giving it to him. "You go to your appointment, I'm sure Stanley will take good care of you. I mean he's taken care of you these last couple months, what's a few more. Obviously I'm not needed." 

"What the hell did I come home for anyway?" Ray said as he crossed the room towards his dresser, grabbing his wallet, muttering to himself. He may have been muttering but his voice was loud enough for Fraser to hear him. It was a guilt trip pure and simple because nothing else was getting through to Fraser. 

"Ray . . ." 

"No, you listen. I've done everything in my power to come home to be here for you and what happens? All I find is that you don't want me here. Can you explain that to me? Can you?" Ray slammed his dresser drawer closed after retrieving a pair of socks. When he turned towards Fraser it was to find him staring back with concealed eyes. Whatever Fraser was thinking or feeling Ray couldn't read because Fraser's thoughts and emotions were being hidden. 

Fraser's next words were whispered and uncertain. "I didn't ask for you to come back." 

The shock over the words Fraser had chosen to say was evident on Ray's face by his wide eyes and the movement of his head as it jerked back at their verbalization. Did Fraser mean what he said or was it just his way of protecting himself from his own feelings, or was he protecting himself from Ray? 

Frustrated, Ray grabbed his shoes that were on the floor at the end of his bed and turned, heading for the door. 

"Ray . . ." What he was saying wasn't coming out right and if it didn't sound right to himself, Fraser could only imagine what Ray's perception of their meaning was. 

Ray stopped with the door open but he didn't turn back to look at Fraser. "Yeah?" 

Of all the times in his life when he needed his communication skills, now was one of the most important and that skill failed him yet again. "I'm sorry." 

Ray took a deep breath and sighed as he dropped his head, truly frustrated by their conversation. His anger had been building in the days he'd been home and this morning Ray had been pushed one step too far. 

"Yeah Benny, me too." 

And Ray left his bedroom, closing the door behind him. He had just woken up so Ray didn't have a clue where he was going. All he knew was that he needed to get away from Fraser and the house and everyone. He didn't have a job to go to and anyway, he didn't even have a car of his own to get to said job had he had one. Ray plopped down at the bottom of the stairs to put his shoes on before heading out the door, destination unknown. 

* * *

"Hey Frase, you ready?" Stan Kowalski asked as he entered Ray's bedroom and the sight that greeted him was not good. "Fraser?" 

Fraser was fastening his backpack when Stan entered the room, finishing packing up all he would need. The last time Stan had seen the pack was when he brought Fraser here. Stan couldn't imagine where his friend was planning on going or why. 

"Hey Frase, what's up? Going on a trip or somethin'?" Stan asked, sitting casually on the bed looking up at Fraser, waiting for an answer. 

"I ah . . . " and even with this "Ray" he was having problems communicating. 

"Fraser, just spit it out okay, 'cause we gotta get going." Stan stood up and slung the back pack over his shoulder knowing the weight of the pack would tire Fraser out too quickly if he tried to lug in on his own. "Where ya going?" 

Fraser cleared his throat as he fell into step behind Stan. "I was wondering . . . that is if it wouldn't be a bother . . . I was wondering if I could stay with you for a while." 

Fraser ran into Stan when the man came to an abrupt stop in the upper hallway of the Vecchio home. 

"What?" Stan squeaked out as he turned to look at his friend. "What are you talking about." 

Fraser was rubbing his eyebrow or what was the area where his eyebrow would have been and began stammering. "It's just . . . I need . . . There's too much . . ." 

Stan let Fraser off the hook. "Hey, hey, hey, it's okay. I don't mind, really. Ray's okay with this then?" Stan asked as he turned and began leading the way again down the stairs. 

Fraser took to the defense. "I don't believe I need his permission to go anyway." 

The terse tone in Fraser's voice was not what Stan was accustomed to hearing. Once they were downstairs Stan tossed Fraser's backpack on the floor, turning to his friend. "Okay, what gives?" 

"I don't know what you are referring to," Fraser replied innocently. 

"You two have a fight or something?" Stan wasn't about to budge until he got to the bottom of the situation. 

"Ray, it is none of your concern. I need a place to stay, if you can't accommodate us . . ." 

"Us, you and Ray?" 

Fraser shook his head. "No, of course not. I was referring to Diefenbaker and myself." 

Speaking of the devil or the wolf with the devilish personality, Diefenbaker came bounding into the living room right on cue. "Does he have E.S.P. or somethin'?" Stan asked, stooping down to greet the wolf before he ran off again. 

Diefenbaker wasn't planning a speedy retreat but more was trying to hide behind Stan and Fraser. 

Michael Vecchio came running into the living room at that very moment too and as he reached Diefenbaker he placed a hand on Diefenbaker's rear, squealing. "Tag, you're it!" 

Before Mikey could make his escape, his mother scooped him up into her arms. 

"Oh no you don't," Maria said, trying to keep a hold of her wiggling son. "You've had enough running around this morning. I think we could all do with some quiet time." 

Mikey quickly gave up on trying to escape from his mother's embrace and gave her the biggest frown he had in his arsenal of pouts. 

"Don't look at me like that," Maria warned as he began carrying her youngest up the stairs. 

Diefenbaker moved to follow the two Vecchios but Fraser stepped in his way. The wolf gave his companion a questioning look, cocking his head to one side and sat down at attention. 

"We are leaving," Fraser said. 

Diefenbaker knew Fraser was leaving but what did that have to do with him? 

"No, you and I are leaving. We are going to stay at Ray's apartment," Fraser clarified, pointing towards Stan. 

Stan just gave the wolf a so-so smile. He could see Diefenbaker wasn't going to be happy about their new arrangements. Heck he wasn't happy about the arrangements, and it wasn't that he didn't want them to stay with him but more they shouldn't be staying with him. The Vecchio home was where they belonged or at least Fraser belonged with Ray, wherever he was. 

Diefenbaker gave a whimper of protest that he knew wouldn't be heard. 

"No, you do not have a say in this." 

"Have a say in what, Caro?" 

Stan watched Fraser close his eyes, dreading what was coming next. 

All Fraser wanted was some time alone or at least some time where there weren't ten different people fretting about him at once and he knew Mrs. Vecchio wouldn't understand why he was leaving and would also be a little hurt by his decision. As much as he wanted to make it out of the house without confronting her with his decision Fraser also knew there was no getting around it. He owed her an explanation after everything she had done for him. 

"Diefenbaker and I are leaving," Fraser said as he turned to meet her eyes. There was worry in those all-knowing eyes as there always was. 

"Of course you are. You have a doctor's appointment, I knew that." 

"No . . . I mean yes, I have an appointment but what I was trying to say is that Diefenbaker and I are going to be leaving today." 

Mrs. Vecchio moved her eyes from Fraser to the man standing behind him and back again. "Does Raymondo know about this?" 

Fraser blanched at the question he knew was coming. "He . . . ah . . . he's well aware of the situation." 

It wasn't a complete lie but more a stretching of the truth. After their misunderstanding earlier in the morning, it would be hard for either of them not to admit there was a problem so yes, Ray was aware there was a "situation" brewing between them. Now, did Ray know Fraser was moving out of his home, he probably didn't have a clue but Fraser didn't want to worry the woman who had taken care of him as if he was her own. A small, white lie never hurt anyone. 

Stan was standing behind Fraser and he shook his head emphatically at Mrs. Vecchio, disagreeing with what his friend was saying, giving Mrs. Vecchio the heads up on what Fraser wasn't saying. Mrs. Vecchio was quick with the pick-up and gave Stan a reassuring look. 

"I see," she said in response to Fraser's statement. Mrs. Vecchio was a mom with great experience. She knew her children fairly well and she could see that leaving was a necessary step Fraser needed to go through in order to come to terms with his own emotions. "Where will you be going?" 

Her understanding surprised Fraser. He assumed there would be more fussing or even worse, he expected her to try and convince him not to go. He expected Mrs. Vecchio to try and convince him that he belonged here with her family. Fraser knew he was part of the large Italian family but living there was becoming overwhelming. Some days, it felt as if he was drowning on dry land. 

"Ray has been gracious enough to allow us to stay with him for a while." 

"Yeah, I promise to take good care of Fraser here," Stan piped in trying to assure Mrs. Vecchio that Fraser's needs wouldn't be ignored. He had taken care of Fraser before bringing him to the Vecchio home when things got a little difficult for Stan to handle on his own, he could do it again for a little while. 

Mrs. Vecchio eyed both men up and down before responding. "Alright, but only if you promise to take care of yourself and Stanley, you keep an eye on him for me. I don't want to hear you've been neglecting you medicine and you are to eat, three meals a day . . . " Her list of orders went on but Fraser knew she wouldn't be doing her job unless she went through each item, one by one. 

"Thank you for your concern and I promise to take care of myself," Fraser agreed. 

For as much as he understood her need to pamper, Fraser couldn't help but feel like he was downing. He couldn't get out of the house fast enough. West Racine, Fraser wished he could go back to his apartment on West Racine. It was the one place that held a sense of solitude that only recently Fraser began to realize he missed. Even with its leaky pipes and nosey neighbors and drafty windows, apartment 3J had been his home and he missed it terribly. 

Once all her orders were delivered and each man received a peck on the cheek (and a pat on the head for Diefenbaker), Mrs. Vecchio walked all three of them to the front door and stood there, watching them leave. She knew her son was not going to be happy when he found out about Fraser's departure, no happier than she was now. But she also knew that Ray would be able to take care of the situation. He would be able to take care of Fraser, as only Ray knew how. 

* * *

How Fraser did this on a regular basis Ray would never know. Upon leaving his family home, lacking any means of transportation, Ray took to the Mountie way of getting around town when one didn't have a car or a friend with a car willing to haul him around said town, he walked and walked he did. He wouldn't even have been surprised by the end of the day to have found holes in the soles of his shoes due to the amount of walking he did. Especially since when Ray left the house, he had no particular destination in mind. Even with no destination set out, he ended up where he would have had he had the Riv. He was drawn to this place as if it held a certain power that in just being there, Ray could feel that everything was going to be all right again. 

Standing in front of the construction sight, Ray couldn't believe the changes the old neighborhood had gone through in his absence. Even though the changes were for the better neighborhood-wise it still saddened Ray to see the differences all the same. All Ray could remember was every little complaint he had offered his friend about his home. Then he could only imagine what it was like for Fraser when he returned from his vacation to find the only place he knew as home burned to the ground. And in turn, find his life turned more upside down when he learned that his best friend, his lover, had left him high and dry without warning. The apartment may have been a dump, but it was Fraser's home and he would miss it in the same way that Ray would and did miss his own home. Ray cursed himself for all the negative words he had ever offered about the hovel of an apartment for now in its absence, he missed it too. 

Ray sighed heavily. West Racine wasn't the same and neither was his life. There wasn't much to really look at now other than the construction workers themselves as they did their part to erect the condominiums that would replace Fraser's old apartment building along with all the other adjacent buildings too. Building developer John Taylor didn't have to wait the four years after all. Such a shame after everything Fraser did for his fellow tenants. Ray wondered if Fraser remained in contact with any of them or were they just another set of ships that passed Fraser by in the night, never to be seen again. That was the story of his life. People come and people go, affected one way or another by the most perfect man Ray had ever come to know. Not that Fraser was perfect, Ray would never claim that, but he was as close to perfect as they came. 

Ray reluctantly turned and began walking again, away from the good memories, his best memories. How could his best memories be held in a place he couldn't stand to see Fraser living in? The answer to that question really didn't matter because it wasn't there anymore. Sadly, Ray could remember many nights while out in Las Vegas when he would have given up his lush accommodations in a heartbeat for that rat trap of an apartment. He would have given anything to be back with Fraser but what did he have to offer other than his soul and even then, was it his to give? Ray felt he had lost that long ago. 

Ray's feet were going to hate him by the day's end but he didn't care. His next destination was a place where he needed to go to make peace with himself and with his car, Lake Michigan. 

He shouldn't have been surprised by the news of his car's demise. He should have known this was its inevitable fate. His cars were never safe when he was in town let alone when he was leaving them in the capable hands of a stranger and his best friend. Ray's only wish was that the Riv would have lasted longer than a day. One day, must have been a new record for the Mountie but it truly wasn't his fault really. Wasn't the perpetrator the girlfriend of an arsonist Ray helped to commit? In the past, it just seemed easier to blame someone else rather than himself or that it was no one's fault at all. 

Looking over the restraining bars on the pier, Ray stared into the murky depths of Lake Michigan thinking that if he squinted hard enough he would be able to see the remains of his beloved Riv. Ray had to admit that if this was the way she had to go, it was a good way to go. She didn't go for nothing. She saved the lives of two people who meant the world to Ray: one because he was desperately in love with him and the other because Ray's life was in his hands. 

So, even with everything that had happened, Ray wasn't angry. For a change, he wasn't angry or holding a grudge or blaming anyone for the destruction of his Riv. It was an "in the line of duty" sort of thing. It was no different than had he been shot while they were on a case. He seemed to put everything at risk when he was going after his man. No, correction, their man. It was the Fraser influence on his life. Maybe that was why he left for Las Vegas. Ray still was having trouble figuring the whys behind that one. 

The one thing Ray did learn during his time as Armondo Langostini was that grudges were pointless. They were too time consuming and life draining. Grudges only led to hate and revenge and that wasn't any way for a person to live. Life was too short to waste on hate and revenge. In general life was too short and now that he was home, Fraser made him realize that even more. 

The wind off the lake whipped around Ray's body causing him to wish he had grabbed his coat when he rushed out the door. It was spring but the springtime in Chicago was a tricky season. Just when a person thinks he's got Mother Nature figured out, she pulls a string and it's winter all over again. Ray had wasted most of the morning hours by walking to West Racine and then on down to the lake. Now that it was nearing the lunch hour, He took it upon himself to show up at the precinct and maybe offer his sister a lunch date. It had been quite a while since they last had a big brother, little sister talk. 

Ray would probably put up with anyone's company by now, as long as they kept him away from home a little while longer. That exception even included Huey's new partner whom Ray had only met a few days ago. Detective Thomas Dewey was different and for some reason, he seemed to rub Ray the wrong way. Maybe it was they way he always tried to fit in with the conversation while making a complete ass of himself or perhaps it was just the fact that this man took the place of a friend whose life was cut too short. Dewey was just going to be another person Ray needed to get use to if he was going to return to work at that 27th precinct. Dewey and Frannie together could possibly drive Ray over the edge if he wasn't careful. 

And unfortunately for Ray, Francesca wasn't to be seen when he entered the squad room although her desk couldn't be missed, cluttered as her own bedroom dresser was. How she found anything she needed was beyond him and how she was able to "aid" any of the detectives was a mystery to her own brother. Thank God he wasn't returning to work yet. He still needed some time to digest the fact that when he did, he would be working side-by-side with his sister. 

Ray loved Francesca as any brother would but they were too much alike and their likeness is what made them butt heads half the time. 

Ray walked passed his sister's desk, his body migrating itself towards a familiar chair. It sat in front of the desk that at one time was his but now belonged to another Ray. He took a seat in the chair that he affectionately came to call "Fraser's chair" and was struck by how anomalous the situation was. Sitting on this side of the desk, Ray was able to catch a glimpse of what it was like in Fraser's position; to be one of the detectives and yet not. 

"Vecchio," a gruff voice from behind Ray grabbed his attention, causing him to stand up immediately. 

"Yes Sir," Ray greeted Lt. Welsh. 

"I thought you weren't returning to work yet," Lt. Welsh said, eyeing Ray suspiciously. 

"I'm not Sir," Ray concurred the Lieutenant's beliefs. 

"Ah . . . then why are you here? I've seen you every day this week and today of all days was the one day I didn't expect to see you. What gives?" Lt. Welsh asked. After a week's worth of interrogations by the Feds, he never expected to see Ray within a five mile radius of the precinct. It would be like him showing up on his day off which he rarely, if never did. 

"I thought I would come and take my sister to lunch Sir . . . but . . . " 

"I see," but the man wasn't a Lieutenant for nothing. He knew there was more going on than meets the eye but he also knew when to butt out. He opted to change the subject. "How's Fraser doing?" 

Ray's face grew pale and at that moment things became a little clearer. "He's fine sir." 

The short response confirmed Lt. Welsh's assumption that Ray's presence and mood revolved around the absentee Mountie but when did anything Ray do not revolve around Fraser? 

"That's good to here," Lt. Welsh said. "Give Fraser my regards." 

"I will, Sir." 

Lt. Welsh turned to walk back to his office but half way there he stopped and turned back to Ray. "And Vecchio." 

"Yes Sir?" 

"I don't want to see you here every day. I expect that from Fraser but you are not the Mountie. Use your time off wisely." Lt. Welsh continued heading back to his office and closed the door once he was inside. It was one thing to have a Mountie in everyday when he didn't even work for the Chicago Police Department but to have a civilian, even if he was and was going to be a detective again, stopping in daily to see what he could do was too much. 

Ray took his seat again and waited. 

"Strange to see you here," Stan said as he passed Ray, dropping his keys on his desk and hanging up his coat. "I thought the Feds were done with you." 

"They are," Ray said as he watched Stan take a seat. "Didn't have any place else to be." 

Stan pursed his lips and nodded his head. "Been waiting long?" 

"Nah, just got here a few minutes ago. Thought I might take my sister to lunch but it seems I missed her," Ray commented, looking back at his sister's desk and then returning to look at Stan. 

"Yeah, well today's the day she gets her nails done so what're ya gonna do." 

Ray was startled by that comment. "How do you know that?" 

Stan shrugged his shoulders. "Doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out the inner workings of Francesca Vecchio. Anyway, you spend a year being her brother you pick up on her habits. I don't mean to step the bounds here but I think I may know her better than you . . . for now that is." 

Ray nodded his head, agreeing with the man who protected his identity, in turn protecting his family from the possible repercussions of a mob family. He silently thanked Stan again for putting his own life at risk for a person he didn't know. 

The two men were quiet for a spell, the sound of the every day workings of the squad room seeming to drown out their thoughts. 

"How'd Fraser's appointment go this morning?" 

"Pretty good . . . better than the last one. I left him resting comfortably at my place." Stan had to throw that last bit of information in. 

"That's good," Ray stated not fully comprehending the words but it didn't take him long to pick up on what was not right about that statement. "What?" 

"I left him and the wolf at my apartment, along with his backpack if you catch my drift." 

Ray caught the drift of reality all too clearly. Ray leaned forward, elbows resting on his knees and his hands running over his very shortly cropped hair. How had things gotten this bad? 

"I think it may be a lack of communication but that is just my opinion. And possibly an environment he's not used to living in twenty-four hours a day. Heck, even I think your family is a little overwhelming." 

Ray hadn't realized he said that last part out loud and yet he couldn't help but agree with Stan's opinion. "Now what?" 

"I don't know, he's your Mountie." 

A small smile spread across Ray's mouth at the words uttered by the Stan. "His Mountie." He remembered a time when everyone assumed that even before Fraser "was" his Mountie. Funny how fate had it all worked out that way and Ray wasn't about to let his Mountie go. 

"I need your help," Ray said sitting up straight. There was determination sparkling in his eyes and Stan was willing to help out in anyway he could. 

"I may have a plan," Stan offered leaning forward, willing to take part in the conspiracy. He shared his idea with Ray whom couldn't have come up with a better plan himself. He liked Stan and was looking forward to being his partner when he returned to work. Heck, with the four of them (Dief, Fraser, Stan and himself), the criminals of Chicago didn't stand a chance. 

* * *

Stan dropped Ray off at his apartment, the plan being that he and Ray would swap sleeping accommodations for the night. Stan looked back only once at the one man who held Fraser's life in his hands and prayed that Fraser, for a change, wouldn't be as bull headed as he had become in the last couple months. No matter how much Fraser refused to admit he needed Ray, Stan knew better. It was the only reason he went seeking Ray in the first place. It was a simple plan, half of it already completed and the rest was now up to Fraser and Ray. 

Ray stood staring, watching Stan and wolf as they turned to take their leave through the apartment door. The growing silence slowly consumed him. He watched that door close leaving him alone with his thoughts and wondering where he would go from here. It wasn't an intricately detailed plan but it was one that would serve its purpose. They would finally have time alone, together. They would finally have the time they needed to sort through everything that had happened to them and hopefully come to terms with it all. They would finally have the time they needed to talk without being interrupted by a family that both men loved dearly but dearly need time away from. 

Ray forced himself to move from his stationary position before he turned into a statue there and ventured further into the apartment. It was a small, quaint tenement that could use a little cleaning but that was only comparing Stan's place to his own mother's immaculately kept home and Fraser's old apartment where it seemed dust was non-existent. Fraser was probably more stringent about his cleaning than Ray's mother which only meant the man was really clean. How Fraser tolerated living in these conditions, though not horrible, was beyond Ray's comprehension but then when Fraser was living with Stan before he moved into his family's home, to pass the time quicker, he probably cleaned the place when he was capable of such strenuous activities. 

Ray came to a stop in front of a stand that held a fish tank but the tank didn't house any fish, rather one, small turtle. Peering in from above the tank, Ray tried to get a good look at the little fellow but he was hiding inside his shell. Ray changed angles to look in through one of the glass sides and only then was he able to see the head of Stan's turtle from within its shell. He was a cute little guy, odd choice of a pet in Ray's opinion but most likely very low maintenance and easy to care for with the schedule of a Chicago cop to contend with. 

The turtle seemed to know where the safest place was for him to be. Ray wished he could crawl in there with him and hide for eternity. Ray had moved from one mind field to another and strangely, he preferred the other. At least in Vegas he had been navigating through the field long enough to know where and when to step. Now, Ray was blindly running and praying he didn't make a wrong move. 

Speedy the turtle stuck his tongue out at him and Ray couldn't help but think the animal was mocking him. Ray turned his generous nose up at the creature before righting himself to a vertical position and turning to view the apartment again. He had a little time before Fraser would wake up or should be woken up to eat. That was the one thing Ray had promised Stan he would do, make sure Fraser ate. It wasn't so much that Stan had asked him to do it but more the fact that Ray knew those orders came directly from his own mother's mouth and one never wanted to cross Ma Vecchio if they knew what was good for them, not even her own son. 

Ray crossed the room and entered the small kitchen area to begin the preparations for Fraser's dinner. It was the only thing he knew to do to keep his mind busy and from dwelling upon the negative thoughts threatening to run rampant in his head. He didn't have the time or the energy to waste upon the what ifs and whys in his life. Right now he had to think about Fraser and what he needed to tell him. 

There were things that both men needed to say and hear. They needed to get everything out in the open per say, to make things right between them. Ray knew what he needed to say and what he felt compelled to tell Fraser but he could only imagine what was going through Fraser's mind. He used to know or could at least guess what Fraser was thinking in the past but now, Fraser was hiding his true feelings from the one person that he never needed to hide from. Ray was his partner, his equal and a person who always understood him. Ray was the only person who understood Fraser for no matter how hard others tried, Ray was the only one Fraser allowed into his heart. 

* * *

He'd been here before and although waking up in this room wasn't anything new to Fraser it was the last place he expected to find himself. In truth, it was the last place Fraser ever thought he wanted to be but this was where he chose to go in order to get away from everything he didn't want to deal with in life. The only thing missing was the warmth of a familiar body pressed up against his side. 

Fraser rolled over and taking a look around the small bedroom, he could see Diefenbaker was no where to be found. Pulling the covers up and over his shoulder, Fraser sighed heavily. Even though he needed to be alone, he didn't want to be totally alone. He had felt totally alone for too long in his life before meeting Ray and even after. No matter how far it seemed Fraser had left his solitary existence behind, he always ended up back where he began, alone. Every time he ended up back at square one, it became harder and harder for him to accept such a fate because he didn't want to be alone anymore. 

Fraser had to laugh at that last thought. For as much as he didn't want to be alone it was silly for him to have chosen to be alone. He was isolating himself from his family, "his" family. The Vecchios were his family in all sense of the word family. They accepted him as such upon his first introduction to the boisterous clan and after Ray had left town, that acceptance grew even more so when they accepted that not only was Fraser Ray's partner and best friend but his lover as well. It was more than he could have ever wanted in life and more than he felt he deserved. That alone made the feeling of guilt greater over distancing himself away from them. 

Familiar footsteps were making their way to the bedroom door. Fraser's immediate reaction was to feign sleeping. It was a weak tactic but one that proved effective as of late. The Vecchio family usually left him alone when they thought he was sleeping, thinking he needed his sleep and it bought him time. 

Fraser heard the door open and with his back turned towards it, he remained as still as possible. Had it been he who was entering the room, he would have been able to tell immediately if the person in bed was sleeping just by the speed of his breathing but Fraser was fairly certain Stan didn't have such in tuned observation skills. He listened to the food tray being placed on the desk that sat in Stan's "office turned bedroom" for Fraser and he prayed he would just leave. 

The silence was unnerving and made time pass impossibly slow. At the bed's shifting from the weight of an additional body, Fraser knew it wasn't Stan and that he wasn't going to be let off the hook easily. He prayed his assumption was wrong but Fraser knew better than that. He knew Ray better than that. 

Slender arms snaked and wrapped their way around Fraser and pulled him back against the warmth that seemed to naturally radiate off of Ray's body. It was a familiarity Fraser hadn't realized he had taken for grated until it was no longer there. 

"Up and at 'em sleepy head," Ray whispered into Fraser's ear, assuming he was sleeping. 

Fraser lazily turned over in the loosened embrace to face Ray. Once he was eye to eye with Ray, words failed him. A simple hello or good morning couldn't even grace his lips. How was he to explain why he was where he was? There were so many things he needed to say and yet he didn't know exactly how to voice those thoughts. 

Ray offered a smile that lasted for about as long as he could hold it, which was about as long as Fraser could stand to look at it. When Fraser closed his eyes, the smile faded. They were both equally tired of pretending everything was all right when they knew all too clearly that it was not. It was okay to fool those around them into thinking all was fine but between the two of them, it would be a death sentence. 

"Don't shut me out, Benny," Ray said in a voice that was strained from trying to constrict the pain he was feeling. 

Instead of verbalizing a response, Fraser moved forward just enough so that his forehead pressed against Ray's own forehead, hoping Ray would understand that he wasn't intentionally isolating himself. It was just a natural instinct Fraser used to protect himself. 

And Ray, as always, did understand. "You don't have to do this alone, ya know?" 

Fraser nodded his head, agreeing with Ray. 

"Good," Ray said placed a kiss on Fraser's forehead and then extricated himself from the bed. "I made lunch . . . or dinner . . . I think it's dinner by now." 

Fraser opened his eyes and watched Ray walk over to Stan's desk to retrieve the food tray he had brought in earlier. It was heaped with more food than Fraser ever thought he could eat in a whole day let alone one meal. 

"Ray, I don't think I'm that hungry," Fraser stated as he sat up. 

Ray placed the tray over his lap and then sat down next to Fraser on the bed. "Relax, this isn't all for you. I thought we could eat together . . . that is if you don't mind." 

Fraser turned his attention back to Ray and once again, he was speechless. 

"What?" Ray asked uneasily under the Mountie's scrutiny. 

"Why are you asking for my permission?" 

"What, a guy can't be polite? I get heck from you when I don't hold the door open for strangers and now you're giving me grief because I'm being too polite? You need to make up your mind Benny because I'm not a mind reader here." 

Fraser sat idly while he watched Ray fiddle with the silverware and napkins on the tray. He knew before the night was through a discussion would be had and he wouldn't rule out a little yelling but before they got to that part, a good meal was necessary. Fraser dropped the subject for now and turned his attention back to the food Ray had prepared for them. 

Ray quietly watched as Fraser picked at his meal. Minutes later Ray joined him. They ate in silence, saving their words for later when they could concentrate on them and them alone. 

* * *

When they were done eating, Ray took the tray back into the kitchen and before returning to the bedroom, he decided to do the dishes. During his whole life he had to be bribed into doing them but today he would rather do anything else than return to the conversation he knew was waiting just beyond a simple door. Of course, there were only so many dishes two people could make out of sandwiches and soup. His delay was short lived. 

Ray barely got one foot through the doorway when their conversation began and it was to hear Fraser trying to weasel out of it. 

"Do we have to talk about this?" 

Fraser stood at the small window of the bedroom with his back to the door. Being attentive naturally, he knew when Ray had entered the room without even looking. 

"Yes we do. If we are gonna get past this we need to talk about it." 

"I really don't see the point." 

Ray sighed in frustration. "Benny, the point is that you're in pain. You're in pain but you're not telling anyone. You won't even talk to me about it. 'ME.' You can tell me anything and yet you refuse to. Why? Why are you shutting me out when you need me the most?" 

"Because I need you." 

The statement was said so truthfully that nothing else needed to be added to explain what he meant but Fraser being Fraser, explained anyway. 

"I need you Ray. I need you so much it scares me sometimes. Ever since becoming an adult I have never been this dependent upon another person. I didn't realize this until you were gone and by that time, it was too late for me to do anything about it. You were like a drug and I ached for you." 

The explanation itself stunned Ray. He never heard Fraser speak so openly before. The openness caused the guilt he was feeling to grow. 

"I'm sorry, Benny." 

Fraser turned around. "There is nothing to be sorry about." 

"What do you mean there's nothing to be sorry about? I left you!" Ray shouted the last part before taking a deep breath to calm his nerves. The pacing began shortly after that. 

"I've been racking my brain ever since I got back, trying to remember why it was that I left in the first place. Every time I come up blank. I can't for the life of me come up with one good reason to explain why I left, why I made that decision. And now, seeing what it's done to you . . . I can't help but wonder if it was all worth it." 

"I know why," Fraser stated as he watched Ray's movements. The pacing was mesmerizing. His motions fluid and graceful even in his frustration. 

Ray stopped his pacing abruptly and stared at Fraser. "You know why?" 

Fraser nodded his head confidently. 

"Okay Benny, why did I go to Las Vegas? Why did I choose to abandon everything I know in life? Why did I choose to leave you when you're the best thing that ever happened to me in my entire life? Why did I run?" 

Ray's arms were flailing through the entire tirade, fluttering like a bird in flight. Fraser had missed this even more. He stared at Ray for the longest time before answering. To Ray, it looked as if he was contemplating what to say but there was no reason for contemplation. Fraser knew why Ray had accepted the assignment, damned the consequences. Fraser knew that reason all too well. 

"It was your duty," he answered simply. 

Ray was shaking his head and a small chuckle escaped. "I'm not you Benny. I don't live for my duty. I'm no Super Mountie or even runner up. I'm Detective First Grade, Ray Vecchio. I'm a human being and no more. I have no special powers or needs to serve people. How can you say this was my duty?" 

Fraser made his first move towards Ray but stopped short. "You may not have known it was your duty, but it was. They needed you and some how, you knew that. You knew you had to go and you knew that I would understand." 

That last statement took Ray back for a second because Fraser's actions as of late contradicted his words. "Did you understand?" 

Fraser was quiet again and this time he did have to think about his answer. There were so many emotions wrapped around that one question. If he started on the wrong foot, Ray would assume the worst. Ray would assume that he had made the wrong decision in leaving and that was the last thing Fraser ever wanted Ray doing, second-guessing his choices in life. 

"I won't mislead you by saying I wasn't affected by you leaving. You of all people . . . I would never lie to you," Fraser said, pausing, gathering his thoughts. 

"Mounties never lie," Ray piped in, a nervous habit causing him to make the joke. 

Fraser smiled, understanding the tactic's purpose and he agreed in a playfully sarcastic tone. "Yes, Mounties never lie." 

Fraser sat down on the end of the bed, still in front of Ray but he needed the support to continue. 

"Do you know how hard it was for me to move into your family's home while you were gone? I didn't at first, I couldn't. That's why I stayed here. It was easier here at first but then that was too much to ask Ray to handle. He was still being you and then to take care of me and Diefenbaker . . . there just comes a time when you know the limits and that's when I went to live with your family." 

"Benny, you know you are always welcome there. Ma loves you like you are one of her own. They are your family too!" 

"I know that now. I knew that then too but I feared . . . I feared that by staying there, I would have given too much away. For all I knew, your mother didn't know anything more than you and I being friends. I didn't know . . . " Fraser paused to take in a shuddering breath before continuing. "I didn't know you had told her." 

Ray nodded his head understanding the fear Fraser must have been feeling during that time. Ray had given him no indication that he had told his mother and to be truthful with himself, he hadn't planned on it either but it seemed the right thing to do at the time of his departure. 

"Yeah, I can understand that," Ray said as he took a seat next to Fraser. "I had to tell her. She needed to know just in case . . ." Ray's words trailed off, not wanting to complete that thought. 

Fraser understood the incomplete statement. Ray didn't need to finish his statement because they both knew what the just in case meant. 

"You shouldn't be here," Fraser said staring at his hands that were sitting in his lap, palms up. 

Ray turned to study Fraser's profile. The man didn't have a bad side, even when he was sick but he could read the trouble on his features. 

"You said that before but you're wrong. There isn't any place else I should be." 

"You shouldn't have to come home and be expected to take care of me," Fraser explained his statement's meaning further. 

"But I don't mind . . . I want to take care of you." 

Fraser continued as if Ray hadn't even said a word. "I mean, it's not as if we were lovers for that long. What was it, a month before you left?" 

"Two months," Ray corrected still shocked by the short time span that had actually passed before he had deserted Fraser. Even though they hadn't been lovers that long didn't mean that they hadn't loved each other longer, if not throughout their entire acquaintance. 

Fraser looked at Ray and said, "You have no obligations towards me." 

"Benny!" 

Fraser stopped his babbling at the scolding shout. He had stepped over the line but they were the thoughts that had been going through his mind. Returning his sights back to his hands, he remained silent. 

"Benny, you have never been an obligation to me. How could you even say that?" 

"You've done everything for me. You have given me everything I could ever want and all that I ever needed. This was the one thing I could do for you, be strong on my own, take care of your family, help maintain your cover while you were gone but I couldn't even do that." Fraser's words were sorrowful and full of the shame he was feeling for letting Ray down again. 

"Benny, I never expected anything in return . . . I didn't treat you any different than I treat my own family." 

"I know and that is why I wanted to do this even more. I owed you at least that much if not more." 

"You don't 'owe' me anything. You don't even know what you give me in return, do you?" Ray asked. 

"I have nothing." 

"You have everything I have ever looked for. You've given me your love and your trust. You have given me you. You are the dream I never thought I could have but I reached for you and I got you. There is nothing more I could want. Making you happy makes me happy. You are my happiness." 

Fraser looked down at himself now, at his current condition. Ray's words were hard to believe on a normal occasion and now even more so. He had been nothing but trouble from day one of entering Ray's life. 

"Look at me Ray. I look . . . I look . . . I look horrible. How could you even bear to look at me? How could you even want me?" 

"Because you're beautiful Benny," Ray said, tucking his hand under Fraser's chin and turning his head towards him. "My beautiful Benny," 

A self pitying Fraser was a sad sight and yet quite endearing to Ray. He always knew Fraser was human even in the times when Fraser acted like he lacked the feelings of a normal human being. Ray always knew and now, seeing Fraser in this kind of mood solidified that belief even more. 

Fraser smirked at Ray's statement, not believing a word of it. Ray, who for all intense purpose lived by the motto, "it is better to look good than to feel good," couldn't mean a word of what he just said. Of all the people Fraser knew Ray was the last person he wanted to be receiving pity from. 

"Benny, Benny, Benny," Ray said shaking his head, displaying his disappointment. "Have you learned nothing in the years that we have known each other?" 

Fraser didn't respond. 

"I love you," Ray stated so seriously even Fraser couldn't deny he meant it. 

Knowing he wasn't lying made Fraser want to cry but he wouldn't. He would not cry now. He had traveled on an emotional roller coaster that had him happy one moment, sad the next and angry at the cresting hills. The ups and downs left him not knowing what his own body would do to betray him. 

Ray watched the tears fall knowing it wasn't a gesture Fraser allowed many people to see, let alone him. He scooted closer, wrapping Fraser up in his arms and he remained silent, letting Fraser work through what he needed to. It had been a long year, one where they had both been through hell and back. There was still a long road ahead of them yet and they would make it, Ray knew that now. They had been through too much together not to. 

After a few moments, Fraser finally spoke. "It's just that . . . I thought . . . I thought I might . . . " His words trailed off not wanting to admit his deepest fear to Ray. 

But Ray knew, Ray always knew. Ray pulled back to look Fraser in the eyes when he completed his confession. "You thought you might die before you got to see me again?" 

Fraser nodded solemnly. 

"Oh Benny . . . " Ray pulled Fraser back, into an embrace and placed a kiss on his temple. 

Fraser held on for dear life, never wanted to let go of Ray for fear he would be gone. 

"I expect to wake up and you will be gone again," Fraser said, admitting more of his fears. "It's like you're not real." 

"I'm really here Benny. Here and in the flesh and I have no intentions of leaving again." 

"I believe you . . . I just can't stop thinking that maybe this isn't real. Maybe I'm deathly ill and I'm not aware of it or anything for that matter and maybe you are just a hallucination." 

Fraser pulled back to examine Ray, trying to prove to himself that Ray was actually real. He knew he was. Ray was sitting next to him. Ray's arms were still loosely wrapped around him. He could feel Ray but he had had vivid dreams before that seemed real and the visitations from his own father could cause any normal person to quesiton their own sanity. It would take some time before Fraser would stop second-guessing his own beliefs. 

Ray watched Fraser's eyes scan him over. It was Fraser doing what he did best, looking for clues to solve a case and he didn't missing a single inch of him. When Fraser's eyes rested at his own, Ray smiled reassuringly, his eyes crinkling at their corners, their color sparkling. 

Fraser's fingers came up to trace the lines at Ray's eyes. He had missed those eyes and that nose and that smile. He had missed Ray and it was the first time he allowed himself to admit that. 

"I missed you." 

"I know. I missed you too," Ray said, his smile disappearing at the realization of how much he had actually hurt Fraser. 

Fraser's thumbs were stroking the area around the corners of Ray's mouth, searching for the smile that had faded. 

"I missed you," Fraser repeated. 

Ray smiled again. "I know, Benny." 

Most people wouldn't say it was spectacular, receiving a kiss. A kiss normally led to other spectacular things. That is what was assumed with any kiss. It's not that Ray didn't like or didn't care for those "other things" but when Ray was kissing Fraser, when Ray was being kissed by Fraser, that act alone was the most marvelous, wonderful, exciting, spectacular and breathtaking gesture they could ever share. Offering and being offered love with no expectations of what would or wouldn't follow. A simple kiss was heaven between them. That was what they were sharing now, exploring territory that had once been taken for granted. Reclaiming what they thought was lost. They were finding their home. 

* * *

He didn't look any different than before, before being yesterday when Stan had picked him up and taken him to the big house where food was plentiful and there was no one to reprimand him for enjoying it. Looking at Fraser now Diefenbaker, the ever-observant wolf, could see there was a definite change in his human companion. Diefenbaker lounged in the doorway of the small bathroom, tongue lolling as he watched Fraser preparing himself for the day. 

Fraser seemed happier, that was the change Diefenbaker could sense. There was an uplifted improvement in the way he carried himself. His mouth wasn't in a constant frown and there was liveliness showing in his eyes that had been missing these last couple months. 

Diefenbaker panted with excitement over the improvements. 

Fraser turned his attention from the mirror and gave Diefenbaker a glare. 

"You shouldn't stare," Fraser admonished. "It isn't becoming in a wolf and in addition, it's rude." 

Diefenbaker grumbled, arguing with Fraser's logic as always. They were definitely back on the road to the normalcy or at least back to the life that was normal between them. He had missed that. 

Diefenbaker turned his head from Fraser to look at Ray who was standing in the short hallway leading from the bedrooms. He was leaning against the wall, listening to the conversation between the Alpha and Beta pack mates. A smiled splayed on his face knowing this was what they had all missed. 

The playful banter between Mountie and wolf reminded Ray of Maria reprimanding her children when they got out of line. Her words were always stern but still full of love and understanding because she too was once their age. Ray wasn't implying that Fraser ever was a wolf but Ray believed that deep down, Fraser knew there was more to the wolf than just being a wolf. Diefenbaker wasn't a child to Fraser but more "someone" for him to take care of and yet Ray couldn't help but wonder sometimes if it might actually be the other way around. 

Ray bent down and gave Diefenbaker a pat on the head, greeting him for the morning. They weren't exactly home yet but this was a start. The tableau playing before him was how it was suppose to be, for the rest of their lives and if Ray had any say about it, this was exactly how it would be, forever. 

End 

* * *

End


End file.
